I’ll be honest: I’ve always found it easier to give feedback than to receive it. When I’m in the position of giving, I feel some sense of control. But when feedback is directed at me, even when it’s well-intentioned, my first instinct is to tense up, defend myself, or quietly dismiss it. Over the years, this habit has likely cost me growth opportunities and strained relationships. Why? Because nobody ever taught me how to give or receive feedback. Not even as part of my MBA program. Which, honestly, is a stunning realization.
So I decided I would educate myself, and it wasn’t until I picked up Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen that I began to understand why receiving feedback feels so hard—and how to do better.
Why Receiving Feedback Feels Threatening
Feedback often feels like criticism of who we are, not just what we do. If I see myself as a “hard worker” and someone points out I dropped the ball, it doesn’t just feel like a comment about my work, it feels like a blow to my identity.
Stone and Heen also highlight an important truth: we judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our actions. That gap explains why one might think they are collaborative, but others experience them as dismissive. Their feedback doesn’t feel right, but really, it’s exposing a blind spot.
Leadership Habits That Hold Us Back
Marshall Goldsmith, in What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, adds another layer: many successful people cling to the very habits that limit them. A leader might assume their bluntness drives efficiency or their poor listening protects creativity. But Goldsmith shows that these flaws, if left unchecked, become barriers to future growth.
I’ve made the same mistake. For years, I labeled my defensiveness as passion, or told myself I “cared too much” when I bristled at criticism. But those weren’t virtues, they were habits that held me back.
How to Accept Feedback Gracefully
Both books pushed me to reframe how I approach feedback. Here are three practices that have helped me move from defensive to open:
- Just say thank you. Even if you don’t agree, the appropriate immediate response is always thank you. If you find yourself riled up, don’t argue, and don’t speak. Just listen and move on from the conversation to create space to reflect on it later. You can always go back to the source for more information when you are in a clean and clear headspace.
- Separate the message from the messenger. Even if you don’t love the source, there may still be truth in the feedback.
- Ask clarifying questions when ready. “Can you give me an example?” helps you learn more instead of shutting down.
- Adopt a growth mindset. When you treat feedback as information for improvement, it feels less like judgment and more like an opportunity.
The Ongoing Work of Receiving Criticism
I won’t pretend I’ve mastered this. I still feel that knot in my stomach when someone critiques me. But I’m learning to pause, listen, and search for the nugget of truth in what’s being said. Nearly every piece of feedback has value, if you’re willing to hear it.
Receiving feedback may never feel easy, but it doesn’t have to feel like an attack. It can be an invitation, to see yourself more clearly, to grow in ways you couldn’t on your own, and to finally move from “here” to “there.”
