In coaching and feedback, the language and some specific words we choose profoundly influence the outcomes of our interactions. One word, in particular, stands out for its unintended negative impact: “why.” While often used to seek out basic understanding, “why” questions can inadvertently trigger defensiveness and hinder open communication. Allow me to explain.
The Pitfalls of “Why” Questions
I’ll just come out and say it bluntly, asking “why” can be perceived as judgmental or accusatory. When individuals are questioned about their actions or decisions with “why,” they often feel the need to justify themselves, which quickly leads to defensiveness. It sways the mood and tone of the conversation to the negative end of the pendulum. This reaction then stifles honest discourse and impedes the coaching or feedback process.
The International Coaching Federation (ICF) advises against the use of “why” questions in coaching. “Why” questions can prompt clients to justify their actions or focus excessively on past events, detracting from forward-looking solutions.
Again, “why” questions can evoke deep feelings of discomfort and self-consciousness. Reflecting on personal experiences, yes, being repeatedly asked “why” has led me to increased discomfort and even frustration, and turned 1:1’s to feel more like an interrogation rather than a supportive dialogue.
The Psychological Impact
The defensiveness elicited by “why” questions is rooted in human psychology. When individuals feel their actions are being scrutinized, their natural response is to protect their self-esteem and in a lot of ways their entire being. This defense mechanism can manifest as resistance to feedback, reduced openness, and a reluctance to engage in meaningful dialogue. Such reactions are counterproductive in coaching and managerial feedback sessions, where the goal is to foster growth and self-awareness.
Alternative Approaches: The Power of “What” and “How”
To promote a more open and productive conversation, coaches, leaders, and managers should try their best to reframe their questions using “what” and “how.” These questions feel less judgmental and more exploratory, inviting individuals to reflect without feeling scrutinized or attacked. Some examples to replace “why did you do that” type questions include:
- “What” Questions:
- “What factors influenced your decision?”
- “What outcomes are you aiming for?”
- “How” Questions:
- “How did you arrive at this conclusion?”
- “How did you plan to address this challenge?”
By asking these types of questions, coaches, leaders, and managers can encourage self-reflection and problem-solving without triggering defensiveness. As highlighted by the Institute of Organization Development, questions like “What alternative ways of looking at this are there?” promote deeper thinking and exploration of options.
Implementing Effective Questioning in Coaching and Feedback Conversations
To enhance the effectiveness of coaching and feedback conversations, consider the following strategies:
- Be Mindful of Question Framing:
- Consciously limit your use of “why” questions. Ensure that your questions are open-ended and free from implicit judgment. This approach fosters a safe space for honest dialogue.
- Focus on the Future:
- Instead of dwelling on past actions, guide the conversation toward future possibilities and solutions. This shift encourages a proactive mindset.
- Encourage Self-Assessment:
- Invite individuals to evaluate their performance and identify areas for improvement. This practice promotes ownership and personal growth.
- Practice Active Listening:
- Show genuine interest in the responses, which builds trust and reinforces the collaborative nature of the coaching relationship.
By consciously choosing our language and focusing on constructive questioning techniques, we can create an environment conducive to growth, learning, and positive change.
If you’re a leader or manager looking to create a culture of trust, growth, and high performance, the way you ask questions matters. Shifting from “why” to “what” and “how” can transform your conversations, unlocking new levels of engagement and problem-solving within your team. However, mastering this approach takes practice and intention. That’s where coaching comes in. If you want to become a more effective leader and communicator, let’s talk.
Together, we can refine your leadership style, improve your questioning techniques, and help you build a team that thrives. Reach out today to start your journey toward stronger, more impactful leadership.
